Why Gay Men Date Beautiful Women...
An observation... closeted gay men date the most beautiful women.
Someone asked me if the picture from the previous blog was Mary. It's not, I pulled it from the net, but its a dead ringer for her. Milky skin, incredible smile, flowing brown hair that cascaded down her back... and a personality that lights up a room and draws you to her. This got me thinking--when I was 'straight' I didn't date much till grad school, but when I did date, the girl was always stunning.
My theory on this is that when a guy is in the closet, he sets an unattainable standard for the women he dates. I know I did that. It was the only way I could be safe in the relationship. There was always a way out because there was something that didn't quite meet this unrealistic standard.
The last two women I dated before I came out to myself and eventually to my friends and family are were stunning people too.
Amy was a blind date in college. The original date was a
disaster, then about 4 years after the blind date we met back up and actually started dating. She was beginning med school and I was back in grad school to get my MBA. We connected over a spring break when everyone else was out of town. I invited her over to watch some movies and cook some dinner. She was a southern baptist preachers daughter, she was homecoming queen in college, and is now a pediatric neurosurgeon. She was my parent's wet-dream of a daughter-in-law. She was the complete meal deal and seriously, if you aren't attracted to that, then you've got to be gay.
Shinez was an incredibly sexy Turkish girl who I met through my roommate from grad school and his wife. Shinez and her were roommates when they were working in Istanbul, but UCLA grad school had brought her to the states and an internship had brought her to Dallas. Exotic and European, she had the beauty of an Italian movie starlet, the sexy accent of a french lover, and the spontaneous wild side that came with her from California. Again, if you can't be turned on by that, then it causes you to question so many things about yourself.
If you're gay, and a generally masculine guy who maybe came out later in life to himself or maybe isn't even out at all to the world around you. Think about it. Are the women you date the cream of the crop? The exceptional? The amazing?
We set the bar so high in an effort to sabotage the relationship. This rescues us from it progressing and us having to make a commitment that we know our heart isn't into.
This one isn't hot enough. That one isn't smart enough. She's not adventuresome... she's not romantic... she doesn't like strawberry ice cream... she's not this or that. What ends up happening is--through process of elimination--you are dating virtually perfect people: smart, beautiful, fun, everything that everyone could want... but they aren't perfect for you because you're gay. And no one around you understands why you're breaking up with these amazing people.
That's how I handled it. I kept on finding a flaw or some reason that I couldn't fall in love with them when it was nothing wrong with them and actually something with me.
I've talked to my buddies about this, and it's a pattern. We all dated amazing women. I've seen the pictures! Our ex's are all HOT women! They're brain surgeons! They run marathons and speak five languages. Yet we always find an excuse to keep it from going to that next level. You eventually run out of excuses for it not working. When I came out, one of the best parts was I could be honest with people about my old relationships and why things didn't work with Amy or Shinez or Darcy or Caroline or Kate or any of the other amazing people I have dated.
The dream:
and say's "Brian! it's me Mat" (I don't know why, but it's Mat with one 't') and I realize this is my dream guy, my prince charming. He's got tousled brown hair and is wearing a nice leather jacket and khakis. He has this incredible smile, and he's talking to me like we're old roommates from some summer camp we went to when we were both kids. He has this really firm grip that is still embracing my hand when I say, "walk with me, I'm chasing that girl" and point to Mary in her baby blue sun dress, who is now 30 people ahead of me on the sidewalk. Then she turns and goes in this gate to a court yard. Mat and I get to the gate and across from the courtyard I can see the door shutting into the building that Mary has gone in. I'm explaining to Mat that this is Mary, the first person I fell in love with, then mid sentence I realize this is stupid--why am I chasing her, I'm gay, and I say that out loud--but I still have this incredibly strong urge to follow her into the building before she gets away. And I'm standing at the courtyard entrance with this guy Mat--still holding his hand from the handshake, and I feel like I have to make a decision to either go through the door and keep trying to follow Mary, or to stay with Mat, who I don't recognize yet, but who I have this feeling in my stomach I know already like my soulmate. --then I wake up.