8/23/2008

Why Gay Men Date Beautiful Women...

An observation... closeted gay men date the most beautiful women.


Someone asked me if the picture from the previous blog was Mary. It's not, I pulled it from the net, but its a dead ringer for her. Milky skin, incredible smile, flowing brown hair that cascaded down her back... and a personality that lights up a room and draws you to her. This got me thinking--when I was 'straight' I didn't date much till grad school, but when I did date, the girl was always stunning.

My theory on this is that when a guy is in the closet, he sets an unattainable standard for the women he dates. I know I did that. It was the only way I could be safe in the relationship. There was always a way out because there was something that didn't quite meet this unrealistic standard.

The last two women I dated before I came out to myself and eventually to my friends and family are were stunning people too.

Amy was a blind date in college. The original date was a
disaster, then about 4 years after the blind date we met back up and actually started dating. She was beginning med school and I was back in grad school to get my MBA. We connected over a spring break when everyone else was out of town. I invited her over to watch some movies and cook some dinner. She was a southern baptist preachers daughter, she was homecoming queen in college, and is now a pediatric neurosurgeon. She was my parent's wet-dream of a daughter-in-law. She was the complete meal deal and seriously, if you aren't attracted to that, then you've got to be gay.

Shinez was an incredibly sexy Turkish girl who I met through my roommate from grad school and his wife. Shinez and her were roommates when they were working in Istanbul, but UCLA grad school had brought her to the states and an internship had brought her to Dallas. Exotic and European, she had the beauty of an Italian movie starlet, the sexy accent of a french lover, and the spontaneous wild side that came with her from California. Again, if you can't be turned on by that, then it causes you to question so many things about yourself.

If you're gay, and a generally masculine guy who maybe came out later in life to himself or maybe isn't even out at all to the world around you. Think about it. Are the women you date the cream of the crop? The exceptional? The amazing?
We set the bar so high in an effort to sabotage the relationship. This rescues us from it progressing and us having to make a commitment that we know our heart isn't into.
This one isn't hot enough. That one isn't smart enough. She's not adventuresome... she's not romantic... she doesn't like strawberry ice cream... she's not this or that. What ends up happening is--through process of elimination--you are dating virtually perfect people: smart, beautiful, fun, everything that everyone could want... but they aren't perfect for you because you're gay. And no one around you understands why you're breaking up with these amazing people.

That's how I handled it. I kept on finding a flaw or some reason that I couldn't fall in love with them when it was nothing wrong with them and actually something with me.

I've talked to my buddies about this, and it's a pattern. We all dated amazing women. I've seen the pictures! Our ex's are all HOT women! They're brain surgeons! They run marathons and speak five languages. Yet we always find an excuse to keep it from going to that next level. You eventually run out of excuses for it not working. When I came out, one of the best parts was I could be honest with people about my old relationships and why things didn't work with Amy or Shinez or Darcy or Caroline or Kate or any of the other amazing people I have dated.

11 comments:

Fancy Pants said...

lol, well maybe it's different for guys like me who went and ahead and actually went through with it. I recently told a friend I haven't seen in 10 years that I was gay and he was like "Fuck me, that's how you were with HER, I always wondered how you could find her attractive . . ." and he's right. I knew I wasn't attracted to her, it was an emotional thing . . . dating hot women would probably have been much more confusing! :)

Anonymous said...

I am still in love with a guy after he left me for every excuse in the book and I couldn't do enough to make him happy, no matter what and I consider myself a catch and am pretty and have good traits. I have been told by many people including his best friend who butt dialed him on accident when he met me and said ( at least he's not gay) I also found many things he did that made ms question his sexuality. I havs kids who he seemed to only love in the end and I did everything for him that any straight guy would beg for in a woman. He eventually left me and the next day he did, he acted like I meant nothing and does till this day. He broke up with me and started hanging out with his old roommate Joey who is a gay man. I can't get over him and it makes me so sad because I thought we were meant to be and even if he is gay how do you just say goodbye to that? He's still the guy you fell in love with your kids love. :(

Unknown said...
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Anonymous said...

I am the type of woman you would have dated, and I have to say I have found myself in a situation dating a handsome, smart, open-minded, charming and confident closeted gay man more than once. Of course they had a couple more stereotypically "feminine" qualities, but I am open-minded and believe in the fluidity of sexuality and sense of self. They were also amazing lovers, so who could argue with that! I stumbled upon this thread because it's becoming a trend for me. Though it's flattering to think it's because I met some unobtainable standards, it's starting to make me question myself.

bellacollins said...

Hey, this is quite informative article. I am a bisexual man and have been using Gay Social Network from a long time I have various female friends but I have never attempted dating any women. People should never play with anyone’s feelings.

bellacollins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

No mention at all of the path of destruction and the damage this does to those beautiful and successful women. So glad you came to a point of honesty, but gosh. What a mess.

Unknown said...

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Anonymous said...

you consider this girl hot?

Unknown said...

Yeah, that is good insight for yourself and I'm glad you gay men are being honest with yourselves on your true identity.

I am definitely questioning why I have attracted and been attracted to closeted gay men. The most defining relationships I've had have been with these types. One relationship took me years to figure out and get over.

Is it me who is a lesbian and doesn't know it? WTF? I've been with women before, but I'm not sure if that is where my heart really is....What part of me is unavailable? Straight men scare me, so I feel it's safe to be with gay men? Or is it that I am too much of a people pleaser and am trying to take on their unacceptance of themselves because of religion, or culture. I am a Latina and these relationships have been like that too, some sort of meeting the expectations of society......

Okay, thanks for the insight into yourselves, and all I can do is keep exploring my inner self to see what has been going on. I'm ready to release this for good.

His Secret Obsession said...


If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

Insert subject line here and link it to: Your ex won’t be able to resist?

Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

And even begging to be with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Insert subject line here and link it to: Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

Thanks again.











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