The Rules of Dating...

My friends make fun of me sometimes because of 'the rules,' but for me, there is a certain rationale to having a few basic ideas that you can rely on. People sometimes call this Common Sense.

I guess this first started with a roommate I had in college who had a simplified view of the world that he based his decisions on. Simple things that are sometimes stupid, but at their core, they make sense. Some people call it wisdom.
Over time but especially when I was first dating after coming out of the closet, I developed a set of rules, the core of which are these:

1. Don't date someone new to town
2. Don't date someone in the closet
3. Date someone +/- 5 years of your age
4. Don't date friends
   

Digging a little deeper, here's my logic for each of them.

Don't date someone new to town. When you have someone fresh off the boat, they don't have an established social network. If you start to date, you become their world. It's very important that both people in a relationship have their independence. People need their space. I need to have my friends and my stuff, and you need to have your friends and your stuff. We can do things with both groups, but when someone is new to town and only has the people you've introduced them to, then there is a lack of diversity that evolves--they don't have their own stuff.
Everyone needs to escape to a place that doesn't revolve around the other person... trust me on this. I need away time from myself, so I know someone I date is going to need it sometimes also.

Don't date someone in the closet. This is a no brainer. I spent 30 years in the closet; it's not a healthy place and I don't want to go back in. I understand that some people can't come out of the closet because of their career. But when they aren't out to their closest friends or their family then they're not out at all. When you date someone completely in the closet then it takes you back to that dark place where you lie to people you care about and have to fabricate stupid things like "where did you meet so-and-so?" or "are you dating anyone?" or even simple stuff like "what are you doing this weekend?" Honestly, this is one of the bigger reasons why my ex and I had issues. For the record, my ex is a great guy and has since come completely out of the closet, but while we were dating this was an issue for me. He was out to his best friend and to one of his brothers. He wasn't out at the office, and for good reason--it was an old school company and it would've ended his career. Ironically, it was the random people who had no bearing on his career or anything that really got to me. When people like his hair stylist, or the guy he played tennis with on Saturday, or a person at a resident's happy hour would ask him "are you single" or "what did you do for your birthday," instead of saying "I'm dating a great guy" or "my boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant" he'd lie--and that wasn't acceptable to me--I little by little lost respect for him. I knew that the person I date and that I loved had more integrity than to lie and be ashamed about himself or his feelings for me, especially when people of such little consequence would ask a casual question.
If his boss had asked--sure, be safe and use the gender neutral pronoun game like all of us do before we come out of the closet, but don't lie.
Really that's the short-term reason to not date someone in the closet. The longer-term reason is what if this person is the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? Will we never share a Thanksgiving dinner with his parents? Will I never get to go golf with his dad and brother?
It was important for my ex to meet my sister and my best friends. It helped him understand who I am and where I've come from. Likewise, I want to meet the amazing people from his world too.
My experience is that when you meet someone that takes your breath away--whom you fall in love with--then you don't want to hide them.... You want to show them off and share them with the important people who are special in your life.

Date someone +/- 5 years of your age. This is a bit flexible. The common sense part of this says, "if you're 35, don't date the 23 year old retail guy from Banana Republic." The thought process that leads to credibility for this is two people should basically be in similar states of their life.
If you're dating a guy 15 years younger or 15 years older, then you probably don't have a lot in common with each other outside of the sex.
On a more micro level I think the phases of life come down like this: high school, college, out on your own, established career, etc. A guy in college may be very "mature for his age" (or however you rationalize it) but if he's at a frat party and you're working to make mortgage payments, you aren't in the same frame of mind when it comes to making most of your decisions.
More shallow things are, you probably won't like the same music or t.v. and he won't get your pop-culture references.
When I would chat on the net, some 22 year old kid with a smokin body would message me and try to convince me that he was someone I could date because he was "mature for his age" and he "gets along better with people older than him because guys his age are too juvenile." I'd run away--and for good reason! If the guy doesn't remember the first space shuttle exploding, the first President Bush, or the first war in Iraq, then there's a good chance that we're coming from different places. My youth was a cold-war-youth that shaped my psyche and how I developed. Along those same lines, if Kennedy's assassination shaped your youth then I'm probably too young to be your date to the prom this time around too.
I appreciate and crave diversity... but generally age is a big hurdle when it comes to dating, even when compared to things like being from different cultures of having different backgrounds.

Don't date friends. This one is fuzzy. When I was straight, I used to adhere to the "When Harry Met Sally Theory of Dating" which says that you become friends before you become lovers. I guess at my core, I still believe this too. Your partner in life really should be your best friend. But it's easier to move from an initial physical attraction to a deep emotional connection than it is to move in the other direction. (I'll work on a blog entry about the 3 aspects of attraction sometime soon).
The evolution of this rule came about when a friend once tried to convince me that being a "cuddle buddy" was a good idea----it's not. Someone is going to get emotionally attached and the other one isn't. That's a recipe for disaster and a destroyed friendship. This is also why "friends with benefits" won't work for me. Maybe it does for you, but I'm guessing that eventually someone is going to get hurt, and it'll probably be me.

A bonus rule.
Don't date before Easter. This is more of a theory than a rule. I thought of it last summer, but it's not developed enough to make the numbered list.

The idea here is that in the winter there's not much to do on a date. You basically have dinner or a movie and that's about it. It also gets dark too early which makes it harder to do more interesting things after 5p.m. when it gets dark.
My dates after Easter (or at least after the spring time change) become much better and must make me seem more interesting. The "dinner or movies" list is augmented by picnics, concerts in the park, hiking, camping, festivals, going to the lake, etc.
CLEARLY those are more interesting things and will make me seem like a more interesting person. This obviously will give the relationship a better kick-start at the beginning of everything.
... like I said, this one hasn't been fleshed out as much.

I am a work in progress.


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A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Forum...

First let me give this disclaimer: I'm a bad driver.
I know I'm a bad driver, this is not news to me.
If you know me or have ridden with me, then this is not news to you either.

Now the blog post: I've enjoyed Speeding Motorcycles blog for a while. We first talked through some random comment I left on his blog. We also have a mutual friend, so we've randomly run into each other around town before. He's a handsome guy in person, and if you've read his blog, you know he's got the wit and the brain to match the sexy smile. Long story short, we were chatting on Connexion last week and talked about finally grabbing some lunch and visiting in person instead of via blog comments. (NOTE this was not a date. I have a system for what constitutes a 'date' and so does he. Lunch isn't a date.)

Today at noon, I have Ginger in the car and pick up Speedy next to his office in downtown. We head to a cool cafe near my office. We're passing under the triple overpass where Kennedy was shot, I'm looking over my left shoulder to do a lane change, and BAM, there's bucket truck/cherry picker changing out the sign on a billboard--right in the lane and right in front of me--not moving.

THIS is how I evaluate people the first time I meet them. I throw them into a crisis situation. Other popular first impressions:

• Calling 911 about explosions/car fires (not my car!).
• Blow outs/Flat Tires (usually at night).
• Food poisoning followed closely by projectile vomiting.
• Bank card is declined (a personal favorite of mine).
• Hitting dogs and other small animals while driving on country roads.

For your viewing pleasure... My car:


For the record, radiators really do put out a lot of steam when you do something like this. I thought it was just special effects on t.v., but nope, they steam a LOT.

Cast of Characters: The Gym

I work out at 5a. I do this because the gym is less crowded with only a dozen people all together, compared to 5 dozen at 7a or in the evenings. I also found that when I tried to work out after work, something always came up: social stuff, work stuff, meetings, etc. For some reason, no one wants to schedule anything with me at 5a--so I enjoy my time at the gym.

There's a handful of people who are regulars, including several very hot ones and two goobers.

the Florida guys:
two preppy guys both about 23 or 24 from Florida State, Pretty Boy who is very tall and Tall Guy who is even taller.
Pretty Boy is probably, 6'-1" and has the 'prettiest' face you've ever seen. He's also a perfect athletic build that comes from years of tennis, lacrosse, or some other preppy sport. He's not too big, and not to skinny--just uber hot. You can tell he never has really gotten his hands dirty except to impress some chick, but rest assured, his chiseled good looks are hot when he DOES get dirty. Pretty Boy drives a new Acura sport that mom and dad got him when he graduated college last year.
Tall Guy is 6'-4" and has that skinny college basketball player frame. He's dark haired and always tan. You can tell that he doesn't like dressing up, his closet has 10x more flip-flops than dress shoes and an endless supply of basketball shorts. Tall Guy drives a Mazda left over from college that he doesn't really fit into but it's paid for.

Marine:
A loaner.
Not to overuse a word, but this guy is chiseled. He's about 5'-8" and has the deep set dark eyes that have barked, SIR YES SIR at some point in his past. He's probably late 20's or early 30's and shaves his head. Always chewing gum and listening to his iPod, his uniform is grey sweats pushed up over his very nicely developed calves, a t-shirt, and iPod on the right sleeve. He gets there at 5 and works out till almost 7 resting generously between sets. His broad chest and cannon ball shoulders validating his efforts over the years. You can tell he's the quiet type, and either speaks with a redneck, new jersey, or some similar hardworking accent. Marine drives a smaller truck like a Toyota with the bigger tires and TRD option package.

Frat:
Always in a well fitting fraternity party t-shirt, track pants, backwards ball cap, and an iPod nano clipped to the back. He's classic, professional, and the guy that the women are drawn to when he goes to Sherlock's or Black Finn on Saturday night. He has perfect lats, perfect back, perfect shoulders, and loves the roman chair. In fact, between every exercise he will go do a rotation of 30 reps on the roman chair, front, left side, right side--and I'm guessing he has the abs and lower back to prove it. Frat drives a BMW 3 series or will soon.

Kansas:
Clean cut, all-American, farm raised, corn fed white boy. He's from northern Kansas or something very close to Nebraska. He has a strong Nebraska-guy build and features, but more of the practical Kansas mentality. His sandy blond hair is usually longer than he likes it. 6'-1" hard working. This guy is the quiet nerdy guy that never made waves in school. He doesn't draw attention to himself, but if you went back and checked it out, he probably was always in the top 5% of the class in everything he did. He's athletic and ran track. Shorts, muscle shirt, sneakers and tennis socks, he also goes to church on sunday or tells his mom he does because he knows it will make her happy. He's not a big drinker, but will have a beer with his buddy to be social. He drives a Camery that he's been driving since college. He makes the Camery look good.

Dip Shit and Numb Nut:
Dip shit is a 45 year old bald guy with a british accent. He always wears a white muscle shirt or tank top and will flex and admire his biceps uncontrollably between his sets. He has a voice that carries far and is the only person in the gym who enunciates so clearly that you can understand every work of his conversation even at 100 yds. He has a good body, but his abrasive personality and megaphone voice counterbalance that and he just comes across as an asshole with a small dick. He drives a black BMW 7-series that has always is freshly waxed and detailed--he points this out to women so they will notice him.
Numb Nut is close to 40 and has no balls. He likes to take orders and doesn't know how to wipe his own ass. He hangs out with Dip Shit because he fawns over him and wants to be his power bottom bitch. Numb Nut has curly blond hair and wears small wire glasses--he looks like an english professor from some junior college you wouldn't be getting your money's worth at. Numb Nut wants to be yelled at. Dip Shit fulfills this desire at the gym. The last 3 reps of EVERY set that Numb Nut does end with Dip Shit in his megaphone voice yelling "c'mon! Push! PUSH!!!" (I have come THIS close to asking them to shut the freak up before I drop a weight on myself.) His yelling is distracting during my workout and not in the good way. Numb Nut drives a Camery but doesn't make it look good.

I will look for some representative pictures for each character and add them to the blog soon.

Today was a great day at the gym... we got the entire cast at the same time, minus Dip Shit and Numb Nuts. YEAH, it's going to be a GOOD Friday!